Where Do I Go From Here, Lord?

I was scheduled for pastoral counseling this morning but I opted out. I didn’t know which would be harder to sit with another in their pool of tears or to sit by myself in my own pool of tears.

Why, Lord? Why does it have to be so hard for some people? Why does it have to be like this? Why does the boy in my group have to go three days without food? Why do children have to walk five hours to get dirty water? Why do we beat one another? Why are young girls raped more than once? Why do people go to bed cold and hungry? Why, Lord, why? How does my life contribute to these hardships?

Will sitting in my own pool of tears make any difference in the world? What is my purpose in this world? We are only here on this earth for such a short time. Lord, you know I try to be faithful, I try to make a difference. But the hurts of the world are so big and I am so insignificant. The hurt and pain and struggling is not only in Africa but also in my own back yard.

Where do I go from here, Lord? Do I have a new name? Have I been emptied so you can fill me, so that I can continue to serve you?

As I pray for the women from our home visits, I know their deep faith sustains them. Then I wish I had their faith. As I contemplate that and remember, I think maybe I do have their faith. I remember when my mom was dying of cancer, when Amber was suspected to have hydrocephalus, a brain tumor, diabetes, or possibly a degenerative neurological disease. I remember and my faith sustained me. Our circumstances are different but our stories are similar. A faith that sustains through the challenges of life.

Philippians 4:12 I have found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. I don’t mean that your help didn’t mean a lot to me – it did. It was a beautiful thing that you came alongside me in my troubles. You Philippians well know and can be sure I will never forget.

My day has been full and I have been blessed. An angel offered to help me find James the 14-year-old boy in the hospital who broke his leg. He was in the surgical ward with several older men. He was so glad to see us, as he was terminally bored. We helped him get into a wheel chair and went out to the courtyard with him. After a short conversation I asked if he liked to play cards. He shared that he didn’t like cards but he did like computers. A light went off and I pulled out my iPhone. We spent a couple of hours together trying to get the car out of the traffic jam. I had been emptied but now I was full.